17 Things Author C E Hoffman Would Tell Their Daughter

The following words of advice are a collection of life lessons learned by C E Hoffman, author of Sluts and Whores. Except, Hoffman has a specific person in mind whom they share these life hacks for – their daughter. Take heed parents!

What I Would Tell My Daughter If I Were Raising Her

1. Do not let smelly punks sleep in your bed. 

Not without a shower/change of clothes.
I know smelly punks are charming in that weird way, but if you let them crash, your sheets, blankets, and possibly mattress will reek for a week. When allowed to house a smelly punk, you will likely be contending with coin laundry, or a laundromat, or have no laundry access whatsoever. Heed this warning!

C E Hoffman author of sluts and whores learns from cat
C E Hoffman, author of sluts and whores lerans from her cat

2. Let yourself fall for at least one bad boy (or girl.) 

Only after cleansing through these hellish flames will you truly appreciate nice guys/girls. 

Bad guys/girls are inevitable, and so are smelly sheets.

3. Be your own bad boy (or girl.) 

Wear the leather. Get the tattoo. Smoke the cigarette,  or pretend to. I wouldn’t endorse badness as a perpetual lifestyle, but it’s healthy to give your inner devil an outlet. If are you enjoying this light-hearted article, check out some of our other Literary content at The Ritual blog here.

4. Ms. Frizzle was right. 

“Take chances! Make mistakes! Get messy!” 

Live this ^ to the brink of religiosity. Take it literally. Play with it philosophically. Applaud your attempts. Recover from your falls. Get comfortable with mishaps. Failure is the only road to success!

As for a mess, make it. Splatter paint. Scatter leaves. Clean up thereafter.
Any time doubt encroaches on your thought process, wonder: WWMFD? 

She’d probably go for it. 

5. It’s better to bruise.

Your hair, clothing, and heart will mend. Trust your intuition; accept it will sometimes lead you astray. Take your time. Jump in. (See #4.) 

6. Nerds are cool. 

Learning is how you make love to your brain. 

Love your brain daily! Cuddle, kiss, massage it. Spoon-feed it juicy new tidbits that make it go “Mmm.” Practice, practice, practice!
Good learning equals a good life. 

7. It’s okay to say Yes. 

8. It’s okay to say No. 

If are you enjoying this light-hearted article, check out some of our other Literary content at The Ritual blog here.

9. Maybe is also valid. 

(# 7-9 apply to any and all situations, social, sexual, or otherwise. Set boundaries. Keep them. Never compromise your soul for someone else’s, especially someone older, who should know better, but probably doesn’t.) 

The House of the Dead: Remake – Limidead Edition (NSW)

10. Stop to smell the roses. (Literally.)

And smile at the stars. And listen to birds. 

We are not machines. We are flesh and soul, and Nature brings us into communion with both.

11. Be with someone who makes you laugh.

This includes friends, books, movies, and newsreels. Surround yourself with reasons to smile. Make yourself giggle. Have one corny joke in your arsenal. Play! 

12. There is more to life than thrills. 

Adrenaline is fun! And addictive. Wild sex, scary movies, drugs (illegal or otherwise), loud music, bright screens, refined sugar- all promise a buzz. 

Yet, it is the simpler pleasures (see #10-11) that render life rich. 

In such a vast, fast world, there is sometimes nothing better than sitting still. 

By all means, get your kicks. 

But find a reason to stick around after the ride ends. 

13. Sweat. 

Garden. Dance. Box. Wiggle. Hike. Mosh. Do whatever it takes to make friends with endorphins/serotonin. These hormones remind you of your efficacy and capability. Sweat builds confidence! 

Don’t fear weights. Strength is sexy, no matter your body type. Pace yourself. Have fun. STRETCH. 

14. Accept your beauty asap. 

You will only look back baffled by how beautiful you were, and baffled that you never knew it. 

Skin will sometimes feel like the enemy. Burns, breakouts, dark circles, and rashes may be your bane until lines, sags, and stretch marks come to the fore. Your inherent attractiveness persists regardless. 

Your body, too, may seem an adversary. Noses, breasts, thighs, and any other body part you can name are too often scorned. 

If are you enjoying this light-hearted article, check out some of our other Literary content at The Ritual blog here.

Waste no time wishing you had someone else’s form. Work with the one you’ve got. I guarantee it looks great with the right attire, posture, attitude, and self-care. 

Skip the makeup. Opt for sunscreen, concealer, facial exercises, and a smile. 

Sleep. Take vitamins. Discover collagen. Moisturize. 

15. New does not equal better. 

Shop vintage. Study history. Get into at least one author outside of your century. Embrace modernity, but avoid worshipping it. Engage in all content critically. 

16. Learn the language of your soul. 

This might mean finding God, or not, or something in-between. What matters is to seek purpose -a truly higher calling- and find it. 

The world is wondrous, and so’s your life. Honor it, and the lives of others. Honor the earth. Question what you’re told. Prioritize ethics. Give a f*ck. 

Determine your values, and commit accordingly. 

17. Feel free to disregard any and all these points. 

Even if I’d raised you, I could never understand what you need as well as you do. I can only trust that you are exactly where you’re meant to be, and that the same is true of me, even if we never meet.

More about Sluts and Whores:

Sluts and Whores, written by C E Hoffman is available for purchase at Amazon.

C E Hoffman author of sluts and whores learns from cat
C E Hoffman author of sluts and whores learns from cat

A jealous girlfriend trips on acid. A traumatized mother attempts to masturbate; a spa worker is challenged to take control of her fate. A haunted jeep parks in front of student housing. A sex worker grows wings; a hitchhiker is picked up by someone she never expected. Welcome to the Big City, where anything can happen…and very often does. In this debut collection from C E Hoffman, explore the humanity of sex workers (“whores”) and people who are proudly sexual (“sluts”). Each story questions stereotypes that are long out of date, merging horror with heartache, and magic with the mundane.

If are you enjoying this light-hearted article, check out some of our other Literary content at The Ritual blog here.

What People Are Saying About C E Hoffman

C E Hoffman is a fearless writer.

Jack Wang, author of We Two Alone and winner of the 2021 Danuta Gleed Literary Award

Jane Austen would read it in bed. 

Neil S. Reddy, author of Cause for Concern 

Hoffman’s writing style reminds one of Burroughs at his most straightforward or Irvine Welsh at his strangest, but with a presentation dominated primarily by women and queer characters- a refreshing change in this particular milieu.…Hoffman is definitely a writer to watch for, and I look forward to what they give us next.

Justin Bookworm, Razorcake Issue #123

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